One of the things I pride myself on is my honesty. Today I
am feeling a bit cynical, so I apologize in advance. However, I won’t lie to
you, and many of these blog posts have come from a similar place in my heart…
after I haven’t journaled for a while and though I am being honest in practice,
it is what I am not saying that is tearing me up inside. Thus the product seems (to me at least) cynical, and word-vomiting Lauren emerges, but I hope if you read this you can understand me
just a little bit better—hold on tight folks.
The truth: I have a BEYOND great life. I have a great job in
the field I love and am aspiring to work in. I have awesome coworkers who are
quickly becoming great friends. I have a nice house with affordable rent. I
have friendships from college and connections in a coveted city. I have more
free time, and I have close to ZERO reason to be stressed. Currently, there is no
one in my life terminally ill, and my family is supporting me in all that I
pursue. Oh, and I am hopefully getting accepted to medical school in a few
weeks (aka my dream).
The truth is I have nothing
to complain about; yet I warned you… I feel cynical.
I love to be busy. Throughout Westmont I took the most
difficult classes, I worked, I volunteered, I met with people weekly, and my phone
was always chirping to send me running to the next task. Each thing I was
involved in has equipped me to be the person I am today, and I would never
change these past four years.
However, there were so many times throughout those four
years when I longed for a break. I could barely make it to the next set of days
off when I could actually sleep and check in with myself. I was surrounded by
people, yet often very alone.
Now here I am officially the “Queen of Free Time!” And I
want to give back my crown and return to the busy bee life because I remember it
feeling like I was accomplishing something—using my life for something. I am
not content to fall into the pattern of binge watching TV or “stalking” people
so far on social media that you end up on their ex-girlfriend’s aunt’s cat’s
page! (Be honest it happens)
I want more than this. Shouldn't there be more to life than this?
But the more people I talk to the more this seems to be the
case for “real life.” We work and we are so tired after work that we sleep or
watch TV or mindlessly search social media. Why? What can we gain from this? What purpose does our life hold if all we
use our free time for actually serves to disconnect us from what is right
around us?
I don’t know what to make of all this thinking yet, but I am
just trying to be honest. Allowing people to know what I think helps me in the
accountability of making my time worth something.
And our life should be worth something! If you know me at
all you know I am constantly aware of the short span of life we have been given
to live.
So here’s what I am going to do about it:
(1) I
am done with Netflix.
I am taking a break beginning now through
the end of October.
(2) I
am starting a new Instagram: @gapyearhighlights
Now I know what you are thinking,
I said LESS social media! BUT since social media is a way to massively communicate the changes I am making, this will be a “count your blessings” page. It
is a place for me to remind myself why I am seeking to use my time differently,
exploring the things I can choose to do with my time instead! Hopefully that will include many
of you as I work to utilize my time to better engage with those who are right
around me.
I want relationships to be the focus of my free time:
letters, phone calls, sharing meals, exploring Santa Barbara together,
whatever! I have the gift of reduced stress and a year in an awesome city.
I do not want to
waste it. That is the truth.
