Joy Comes in the Morning

It took me a long time to decide that going to medical school was the right decision for my life.

I was concerned that I would not be a strong enough student, that the work would induce the crippling anxiety I had previously experienced, or that I would miss out on my twenties by being in school forever. I hesitated if the cost would be worth it.

Yesterday, I had a short conversation with a friend who had walked me through the journey of my deciding on medicine. They simply asked how school was, in light of other circumstances I had told them about. I answered honestly and without hesitation that school is good, absolutely where I am supposed to be—a lot of work, but worth it.

It only dawned on me about an hour after that conversation how far I had come since the last time I saw that person—when I was holding so tightly to so many fears. This is the outcome of years of hesitation, uncertainty, tears, and ultimately, faith. It amazes me that even being surrounded by so much material, planning to wake up at 5AM to go study, and not knowing when I’d get to go sleep again, that I could answer honestly and truly: I do believe this is so worth it and absolutely where I am supposed to be.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgement.” 2 Timothy 1:7

I could tell you firsthand about how short life is and how uncertain it is what tomorrow might hold, but as I have said in previous blog posts—it is impossible for us to live like we are dying. We must move forward and live, making plans and allowing ourselves to have dreams that might not seem impossible to accomplish. For anything is possible through Christ who strengthens me! (Philippians 4:13)

So, I am grateful I choose the long haul. I am grateful I get to study the human body with all its intricacies and too many interleukins (Host Defense Exam Monday!!). I am hopeful I will finish year one of medical school strong, looking forward to three more so I can receive the two capitals behind my name to signify the path God directed me to: M.D.

Seek Him First, for He knows the plans he has for you.

“Such is the confidence we have through Christ before God. It is not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

A Testament to Faithfulness

Lately, I have been living between the checkmarks on endless to do lists while dreaming of brain pathways, lung sounds, and x-rays. All around me the world has transformed into a Christmas wonderland in anticipation of the coming celebration. Even now as I write this I sit at Starbucks listening to carols and sipping from a red cup.

Between me and Christmas stand four exams and a quiz. Medical school is a lot of hard work (and that is an understatement), but I have been struck more and more, especially lately, how grateful I am to be here, to get to study. The journey to getting into medical school was not easy, and those of you who lived through the years leading up to today will remember how many times I doubted I was called to be a physician. I wanted to write this reflection today to attest to the faithfulness of God that prepared, equipped, and strengthened me throughout.

In the past years myself, family, and friends were exposed to health problems ranging from large sicknesses such as cancer to accidents and injuries such as head trauma and broken bones to more common (or not) things such as salivary gland infections and pneumonia. My exposure to each of these helped to educate me, clinically, but also contributed to my ability to listen, support and care for those impacted by loved one’s health problems, and lean on the Lord for strength when my own was lacking.

While in college, many doors opened for me to pursue leadership roles in programs where I learned crisis management and problem-solving skills, communication skills, and school-life balance. Looking back, specifically, the life skills I learned while helping lead 250 people in Mexico were incredibly important for medical school, and this was not an experience I originally sought out! Rather, the door was opened when what I had planned for myself fell through.

I think it’s funny that we often encounter God the most when the plans we make for ourselves—and are so sure of—do not pan out. I can attest that He has a plan for your life, He wants to use you for His purposes, and He will orchestrate your circumstances so that you are prepared, equipped, and strengthened to take on all He has for you.

The biggest example I can think of, and the greatest blessing in disguise was my not getting into medical school, initially. As I mentioned before, I had doubts about my purpose in medicine; these doubts stemmed mainly from the length of commitment to school and self-doubt that I could not survive what everyone describes as one of the most challenging educations. It was not until the door to medicine initially appeared closed, that I actually realized it was where I was supposed to be.  Looking back, I can the gift I was given by being initially rejected from medical school. I was given instead what I could not have planned for—a year of medical experience which prepared me for medical school in ways I continue to daily discover.

So, I want you to know today is that God’s grace is sufficient for you, and it is His power that is made perfect in your weaknesses because when you are weak it is then that He shows Himself strong. I am so grateful for the grace that has enabled me the gift of studying medicine. I am grateful for the ways God has guided and will continue to guide my life in His perfect will. It will not always be easy, and He does not promise it will be. Rather God ensures that He will be with you, always. I pray you will seek Him first and trust His plans for your life. 

Waves are only Waves

Peace be still
Say the word and I will
Set my feet upon the sea, till I'm dancing in the deep

Peace be still
You are here so it is well
Even when my eyes can't see, I will trust the voice that speaks

This anthem was sung out over me at church this morning (Peace Be Still, Lauren Daigle). Jesus showed up right where I need him, with the reminder to trust him by hold out hope and not moving my line of sight—He’s right here, with us—always.

Medical school is becoming harder and harder (which yes, I anticipated). But, every day I am expected to memorize the various nerves, tubricles, muscles, tendons, bones, and whatever else can be found within a triangular section the professor draws over a given set of body parts… death by information overload? Quite possibly.  

I had much anticipated the arrival of this weekend, and it was full of really good, life giving time with people and events. Often, however, once the things we so looked forward to end, there is a sort of letdown in the aftermath.

Yesterday was no exception for me; I was tired and overwhelmed, once the dust had settled. And this lead me to debate attending church this morning. Isn’t it interesting how the place that can ground and give us that much needed eternal perspective, grace, and joy, is often the first to get thrown aside in favor of increased time, sleep, or fill in the blank?  

I'm not gonna be afraid
'Cause these waves are only waves
I'm not gonna be afraid, I'm not gonna be afraid
I'm not gonna fear the storm
You are greater than it's roar
I'm not gonna fear the storm
I'm not gonna fear at all

Peace be still. Instead of cramming my hour-long slot of Sunday morning with more anatomical vocabulary, sleep, or catching up on chores, I was reminded of good, solid, truth. The truth that my time spent studying will be met and honored, when I give first that time to the one who created it. I can trust that the investment I make in centering my mornings around the Lord and returning to Him at the end of each will not be wasted. Just as the song says, the waves will remain waves, and the anatomy just a test. Jesus surpasses all, and He is with me in this.  

Psalm 77:16

When the waters saw you, O God,
    when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
    indeed, the deep trembled.

The Lord is more powerful than whatever you may be facing. You need only to keep your eyes on him, and He will keep you afloat in the deep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwCSEsFN1q8